100 Things I Fear

But I’m going to do anyway..

What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do. T Ferris

When I read that line on Cassandra’s blog, I decided to join this initiative. So for the next 100 days I will be doing one thing daily that scares me AND sharing it for all to see.

Some might be fears and others might just  be things I find uncomfortable.

Regardless, the point is to stretch my comfort zone and become bolder and braver. 100 days FTW!

Dec 14: Asked for something I wanted while bracing for a rejection. Wanted to take a picture of some beautiful crystals in a shop and wasn’t going to ask in case the lady said no but after thinking about asking her for the 5th time, I did and she graciously said yes.

A moment of ‘why do I still hesitate’ later, I’m back on the facing my fear of rejection wagon.

Dec 12: Feared being hurt / disappointed and unfortunately, didn’t take the action that would have me face it, instead avoiding the sitch. I failed and fell into an old trap of assuming something without giving someone the benefit of the doubt The awareness and apology that ensued from this is a big check though!

Instead of being defensive, I admitted my error. That’s well brave of me!

Dec 9: Old patterns surfaced that really upset me and I spent 1.5 hours working my way through it, then blogging about how I went from Victim to Victor. I acknowledged the progress I’ve made and am so proud of myself for having the courage to admit when I’m falling and for picking myself up again. Awesome!

Dec 8: Arrived in NZ to be told my visa wasn’t showing in the system and instead of panicking that I was going to be sent back, I took a deep breath and started chatting to the people sitting next to me about their visa sitch. I held the belief that it was all going to be fine and that I was SO going to stay for 5 weeks. It was sorted within 10 min

Nov 26: Attended an ICF networking / chapter event, took the lead in facilitating an exercise at a table full of strangers when no one else stepped up, complimented the speaker on her energy and aura, and apologised to someone about something I inadvertently did. In the past I wouldv’e tried to hide in a corner and hope that no one would notice me. LOL. Gotta love it Oh and btw, got my visa too!

Nov 24: I faced the prospect of great disappointment and hurt if my NZ visa doesn’t get approved or come through in time for me to leave. I did NOT want to entertain the thought of not being able to go but the pit in my stomach was becoming bigger, the less attention I gave to it..

So I sat me down to face the fear of being denied, asked what’s the worst that can happen: I will look like a fool for telling everyone I was going, I will be crushed with sadness, I will be alone all December, I will be miserable, I will miss seeing my friends babies, I will have a horrible holiday season, etc etc.

Then I watched some Byron Katie vids around suffering and let go of this attachment to going (when did I even get that attached!) Wow. If I go, I will have a GREAT time in Queenstown. And if not, I will be sorely upset but I will pick myself up and have a great time in Vancouver.

Either ways, I will have a great time because while I cannot control anything else, I can control how I choose to respond to life’s little curve balls. And I choose to let go of the drama and ‘story’ I’m creating around pain, and respond with peace, love and happiness. While I really want to go away for 5 weeks, whatever happens will be perfection. The other side of fear and suffering is TRUST

Nov 21: Intuition told me my time was up with the high school project I was involved with  but I didn’t want to admit it / upset the apple cart so I chose to manifest it in the way I know very well by now – getting sick!! Which led to a turn of events that saw me being out of it anyways. I wish I’d taken the lead on this instead of ‘letting it happen’.

I’ve had enough lessons over the years to learn this, the most recent being the series of injuring myself for days in a row before I finally changed something that wasn’t working for me anymore. Goshdarnit, from this day on I commit to taking action as SOON as my intuition speaks to me so that I am empowered rather than weakened.

Nov 18: I had a hard look at a venture I got myself into and have decided I’m not using it the way I “should” be, 6 weeks into a 4 month project. Following my gut on this – I have a tendency to not stick with anything long enough unless I’m really passionate about it.

Noticing a theme here – fears include missing or losing out on information/building relationships, not being or having “enough” courage and confidence to go through with big dreams. Nothing can be changed if one doesn’t KNOW what needs to be changed, right?

Nov 12 – 16: Out sick! My body is making me take time out. It’s scary to not be in action mode and do all the things I feel I need to do to get ahead and yet, I know enough about me to know that my message from the U lies in taking it easy and trusting, trusting, trusting.

Trusting that action is not what’s needed right now, letting go and letting God is. Letting go of the niggling thoughts that say if I wait too long to take action, someone else will do it before me and my ideas will be worth nothing. The voices that say oh look – that person’s already doing what you wanted to do, now you’re too late just cos you were lazy / cldn’t get it together in time.

I have to believe this is all divine intervention and timing and that everything is perfect as it is. So, trust it is.

Nov 9 & 10: I am living in an analysis paralysis fear zone and don’t know how to get out of it. A whole bunch of fears and insecurities have popped up and I am allowing myself to feel helpless against them for now cos maybe I don’t need to know how to stop it, maybe this is perfect as is, a period of fear that will bring me gifts of insight and learning. In a bit of a funk I am and it seems like everyone around me (in my circle of friends / tribe) is going through something similar.

Nov 8: Ouch. A bit embarrassed resigned shamefaced brave enough to say “I quit”. After excitedly joining NaNoWriMo (the 50,000 word writing project slated to take off Nov 1st & end Nov 30th), and never even tying my laces on, I officially take myself out of this championship and admit I bit off more than I could chew.

What was I thinking It’s okay to bite off more than I can handle and give up on it later.  This does not make me a failure, just a failure to launch THIS project. Man, I love not feeling guilty!

Nov 7: Whoa! After cancelling my trip to NZ cos of the cost and time factors, I changed my mind 2 hours later and booked a 5 week trip overseas! Facing the fear of being away so long and spending so much money when I could be investing in my new business.

As I see it, investing in MYSELF and my happiness is my #1 priority and work and everything else will be better for it Very excited to give myself the gift of being in a place I love (Queenstown, NZ) and spending time with my friends.

Nov 6: Accepted an invite to go to a networking type event (I usually avoid them cos I feel out of place in a roomful of “shmoozy” strangers – I’m the kind of person who doesn’t even have a business card). Lots of preconceived notions here, a sign that I could do with a change in my attitude and thinking around these events.

I was ready to run away if it was too intimidating, but ended up having a great time after all! We got there after the “business card exchange” networking was over so I freely talked to people and connected with them on a personal, rather than business level. Ahh we make what we make of it I’m going to go to a couple more and see if I can find a way to make it work for me.

Nov 5: Spent some time with my fear of being alone / never meeting the right person to share my life with and realised that’s SO not true. I just have to trust divine timing and know that everything is just as it should be.

This is the time for me to really know myself, love myself and do all the ‘work’ I need to in order to grow into the best version of me and live my life as beautifully as I intend. Perfect training ground for being emotionally healthy and self sufficient! I’ve come a long way from the insecure, needy in relationships person of yore. Go me!

Nov 4: Well, I got 3 in 1 today – if this was Golf or some sport I’d be doing pretty well, hey! What did I do?
1) Went up to a stranger and said hello
2) Asked him to record me making a gratitude video and a dreams video
3) Mustered up the courage to actually speak on camera about my gratitude and dreams, to share with people. Holy Mother! This TERRIFIES me. And I did it And made a new friend in the process!

Nov 3: Shared my spiritual awakening of sorts in a blog post. It’s not the sort of post I usually write so I overcame my fear of it being seen as a “woo-woo-she’s-gone-all-spiritual-on-us-what-does-this-have-to-do-with-inspired-action” post and put it out there anyways – cos this is ME. Authentically me.

Nov 2: Faced my fear of being seen as unreliable for missing out on a day of the school project by making my health a priority – I wasn’t feeling well and chose to nurture myself over any commitments to others.

This was well brave of me, cos normally I worry about what people think of me and I can’t bear not keeping my word. Learning to let go of the notion that I’m inconsistent just cos I didn’t do what I said I would (big mental game I (used to) play with myself to make myself feel guilty – NO more!).

Oct 30: That fear of moving forward and taking action on the big dream? I will stare it in the face as I write down intimate details of my business goals and ideas and finally book the Ittybiz consult that I paid for 1 month and 1 day ago. OMG, it’s been that long!? :O

Oct 29: Confessed to a colleague that my new business idea was exciting me more than my existing business and that it made me feel 1) Scared that it may not work / I may have made a mistake 2) Clueless as to HOW to get started 3) Determined to do it and 4) Like a bad coach for wanting to embark on this new venture before solidifying the present one.

As soon as I said it though, the last 2 weeks of doubt and funk-iness disappeared and I felt light and excitable again.

I faced my fear of having to start from scratch and work harder at my new business and neglect my existing one at the same time. And I realised that I could do them both, I didn’t have to choose, just redesign them.

Oct 28: Bit the bullet and scheduled 7 market research interviews with people for my new business idea. Taking back control of my life and overwhelm, one step at a time.

Oct 27: More of the same fears about moving forward. Feeling a bit outmatched by my dreams and they (dreams) are getting a bit mixed up at the moment. Asked for help. And tomorrow, I shall receive it and let myself be helped.

Oct 26: Let myself do something that I thought I might regret later because in the moment, that’s what I wanted to experience. Whatever happens later, is something I can deal with and the main thing is that I made a decision consciously and know I’ll be fine whatever happens.

Oct 25: Slight panic about Project Mojave and all the market research I need to do, ended up watching related vids till 3am. Also declined about 14 facebook friend reqs cos I didn’t feel comfortable adding total strangers to my private fb account. As my social media and private worlds collide, I feel the need to keep them a little separate till I get to know people better.

It was hard to do cos I like to network and don’t want to offend people or put them “off me” but I followed my gut on this one and asked them to friend me on my page at http://www.facebook.com/lifecoachtia instead.

Oct 24: If you read this post here you would know how I embraced this challenge today. A full public confession of my attachments, fears and false sense of pride..

Oct 23: I unfollowed more than 250 peeps on twitter and am going to cull, cull, cull more. Well I’m back online and I didn’t miss being away for 2.5 days for more than a blink of an eye! Way cool.

I’m not going to care about being unfollowed in return (#’s used to be, but just aren’t that important to me anymore). This came about from the last 2 days of introspection wherein I realised how much of my sense of validation seems to come from external factors like # of blog visitors, website rankings, comments, twitter and facebook followers etc.

No matter how many I have, someone will have more and someone will have less. It’s time for my sense of accomplishment and validation to come from within me, rather than outside of me.

Eckhart Tolle says be the deep, still pool of water that is calm within, with the ripples and shallowness existing on the outer edges. A sense of peace and calm and NOWness is what matters most and I intend to take regular breaks to connect with myself from now on.

Oct 22: Wrote down a whole list of fears and felt them one by one. Fear of rejection, abandonment, failure, being alone, not good enough, loss, disappointment etc. I read somewhere that the difference between fear and a consequence is acceptance.

Fear is just resistance to an outcome. So by accepting all outcomes, each fear loses its hold on us and we know that no matter what, we will be fine. It’s a method I will use every time a fear pops up now.

Oct 21: Took myself to lunch at a fancy-ish restaurant, just I, me and myself. Normally I would never do that cos I’d feel self conscious so it felt great to 1) treat myself to a nice lunch 2) confidently say “table for one, thanks!”

Was such a liberating feeling – I don’t have to wait for someone to take me out to a nice place and I don’t have to feel silly for taking myself out either. Yeah modern woman!

Oct 20: I`m overwhelmed and overextended and taking the next 2-3 days off. Yep, no computer or internet for 2 entire days. I`ve cancelled all my commitments and am taking me-time. Staying offline more than a few hours kills me so 2 days should be interesting.

I really need to do this as my manifestation are getting better and faster and yet, I`m blocking them at some level internally.

And all the signs point to me accessing my inner guidance and intuition, which can only be found within Moi. I plan to take walks, read outdoors, be with nature… anything that will ground me and bring me to myself. Scary much! :O

Oct 19: Had 1st day of high school project, and it was wonderful! Along with `public speaking`, I also shared my feelings with the team about something that I had been uncomfortable to talk about previously.

It was eye opening to me and taught me  1) to trust myself to make decisions based on what I want to experience, rather than whether I`ll let someone down or to look good in peoples eyes 2) that I should speak up about things as soon as they happen, rather than let them slide and be resentful.

Oct 18: Allowed myself to feel greatly disappointed at something that didn’t turn out quite like I had envisioned and let myself really FEEL the sadness & fear that was saying it would never happen.

After I allowed myself to wallow in the fear, I felt a renewed sense of purpose and determination. God and the Universe know what I want and I trust that everything is in divine order and will come to me in miraculous ways. I believe!

Oct 16: Certifiably insane… I just decided to take part in the National Novel Writing Month - write a 50,000 word, 175 page novel in 30 days starting Nov 1st!! Say what? I don’t know why except that I’ve always said I wanted to be a writer but never thought I had the talent.

Best part about this challenge is they ask for quantity, not quality so there’s that fear of writing a bad novel gone! Hehe. Oh the things I DO!

Oct 15: Had a difficult conversation with someone …

Oct 14: Admitted to colleagues that I was nervous about the high school project we’re starting next week and that I get conscious when speaking to groups of more than 8-10 people (esp when I’m expected to perform or I feel people may be judging me .. aaaahhh!!). Since I was the only one who said I was nervous – does that mean everyone else is confident as can be?

Probably not, but it makes it harder to live with cos I don’t want to seem “incapable” or have them think of me as a “weak link”. Being vulnerable about my fears is uncomfortable for me as I like to present my “I know what I’m talking about” side to people.

It’s easy for me to say I messed up or talk about my shortcomings on this blog but it’s harder to say it face to face to someone..

I’m still feeling like I shared too much so I know this fear of being seen as “not enough” or “fraud” has a strong grip on me. You can bet there will be more facing THIS fear in coming days.

Damn you insidious gremlins! You suck but I shall SLAY you!

Oct 13: Big day playing full out! Bought a domain name for a great new idea I had this morning & registered for a business mentorship program (Project Mojave) that a friend told me about within 15 minutes of hearing about it.

Making snap decisions about investing $$ in myself and my business is getting easier as I follow my instincts. I intend that this program will help me launch my new unformed, wisp of an idea venture in the next 3 months and provide a passive income stream by Feb 2010. I feel bolder and more confident about reaching my 6 figure income goal in 2010. Can you say COME INTO MY POWER!?

ps: Kim`s insight was bang on: Jupiter, the planet of expansions, the world where everything gets bigger–ideas, appetites, plans, actions, emotions, visions and interpretations there of–has just gone direct! That means any contemplative-self-imposed-containment in your life is ready to blastoff the launch pad! Did I mention big? That goes for destinations as well.Hint: be everything you want to be and raise your sights!

Oct 12: Stood at the steps of the Art Gallery on Robson Street with my friend Jean, holding signs that said “free hugs” and hugging people! I was there for about an hour and hugged over 50 people. Felt a little self conscious at first but was such a liberating feeling and I had gobs of fun! I also recorded a few secs on video and posted it on youtube -look how self conscious I am haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2514Io-yH6s

Oct 11: Well I said I was going to get me a Mentor by the end of this week and I did. Asked another super coach who I admire, respect and adore to mentor me, and she agreed. YAY! She rocks my socks off and I am so excited to have her in my life.

What did this teach me? To keep looking and asking till I get what I want. To stay focused on what I want without giving up. And to face my fear of “why would she say yes, what can I offer in return” and ask anyways. After all, a No just means No, not “No, I don’t like you or you’re not worth my time” .

Best part is, I get to help her with social media online networking in return – kid in a candy store much?

Oct 10: I lay down on the pavement in downtown Vancouver with people walking by (in broad daylight!). I’ve done this once before with a friend (right out of the Four Hour Work Week). This time, I was alone.

Why was this scary?
1) Potentially looking like a fool, people staring at me, avoiding me, asking me what was wrong, laughing at me is scary.
2) I was talking to someone I’ve never met, on the phone, for the first time ever and telling him what I was doing. Way to go making a first impression. Being that vulnerable was scary.

Felt awesome after I did it. Actually, I quite enjoyed the process, thought it was pretty funny and was proud of myself for s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g my boundaries. It helped greatly that the stranger on the phone played along and encouraged me to stay there till 6 people walked by. Wow, what an experience!

Oct 9: Skipped it I think or else, I just can’t remember.

Oct 8: I`ve been thinking about getting a mentor for a while but never knew what to do with one so today I just bit the bullet and asked for mentor recs on twitter. I even asked someone I admire a ton to be my mentor, and regardless of whether they say yes or no, I intend to have a mentor by the end of this week. This is a scary thing to commit myself to so I am doing it. Holy moly!

Oct 7: Admitting to you that I feel like a fraud today.

Who likes to admit they ever feel that way… finding it very hard to follow my own advice in the last blog post I wrote about how to avoid a meltdown. How bizarre that less than 48 hours after writing that post, I’ve got this situation that’s turned me inside out (can’t find an important document after searching for hours). Well folks, there you have it.

Update: OH boy! Right after I wrote this and a FB message talking about how ticked off I was, I started giggling. Then I looked again. And… I found it!! After 3 hours of looking, I found it in under a minute. Gosh!

Oct 6: I fear saying yes to things and regretting them later. Wanted to back out of a volunteer project I said yes to cos I was afraid of the expectations from me but went anyways. Realised I had the choice to say yes or no to the activities involved in the project and don’t “have” to do everything I’m asked to do. Freedom! I may say YES to a lot more now.

Oct 5: Publicly stated to 2 soc-med friends that I am committing to and completing 2 projects for them that I said I would do 3-4 months ago! I’ve set the date for end October – no more procrastination on the interview and radio show. I’ll also spend some time feeling my resistance and fear around these projects. That’s always scary..

Oct 4: Wasn’t inspired to do anything, so I didn’t. I worried that I was going to ruin this challenge by missing days – there’s that perfectionism rearing its head again. So, I didn’t let that scare me into finding some inane fear to overcome. Oh .. did I just face my fear of being inconsistent? Nicely played Universe!

Oct 2 & 3 : Totally forgot about the challenge, been busy with family. Can I claim publicly saying I forgot as facing a fear? Lol ok ok I won’t cheat oh shoot

Oct 1: Writing has been scary to me this week. Not sure why but it got to the point of me wanting to hide under the covers and shirk my “responsibility” towards my blog readers, ezine subscribers and myself.

I don’t like the word “responsibility” sometimes cos it makes me feel .. tied down… so by taking it on, I felt like it wasn’t the big bad monster I always made it out to be.

Hmmm interesting.. could it be that I’m learning to be responsible AND feel free at the same time?

Sept 30: Didn’t let the fear of writing a sucky post (aka FAILURE) stop me. Was completely uninspired and kept putting off writing a blog post today, was worried I didn’t have anything to say and was going to write a bomb of a post so kept avoiding it and working myself up. In the evening, I sat myself down and started typing with no idea of what I was going to write & before I knew it, a blog post had written itself. Fear makes things seem so much scarier than they are!

Sept 29: Today I’m going to turn off my computer for 2 hours (GULP!) and wade through all the “what I want from life / plans for the future / coaching hours compilation / and more” paperwork lying on my floor for the past month. When my physical environment isn’t in order it really throws me off balance. My pile of lists and suchlike scare me, going offline for 2 hours scares me. Off I go.

Ok I’m back. I just impulsively paid $200 for a business consult with Naomi Dunford of Ittybiz This is super scary cos 1) It may give me a kick in the rear and lead me to massive action 3) It may not give me a kick in the rear at all and lead me to no action 3) I’m a little fearful of hearing about all the things I could be but am not doing and may be doing once I know what to be doing. Ahh! Breatheee!

Sept 28: I’ve been resisting working on my list of all the things I want and need to get done in order to get going in some areas where I’ve been stuck. And this girl LOVES lists! So I started off by writing a few things down but distracted myself with web surfing again. Well, I started..

Sept 27: Hmmm. It’s Sunday. I spent the entire day with close family and relatives. Didn’t do anything I feared. Oh wait, I fear being bored when people around me are speaking in a different language and I don’t understand what’s going on so I made sure we all played silly games, made up words and spoke in English. I had the best time ever with them!

Sept 26: I’m supposed to wear my retainers full time for 2 months. I usually leave them off when going out cos they make me feel unattractive & self conscious, I slur my words and don’t like what it does to my personality (makes me shy and standoffish). I know, such a little thing right? Well it’s a big deal to me. So today I decided to do what I fear and wore them out to a public place (don’t have any problem wearing them around friends and family!). Didn’t like it but was a good reminder that beauty & confidence come from within. I am blessed with health and vitality!

Sept 25: Letting my purpose and passion to work with children be stronger than my fear of embarking on a brand new venture. I had some rough years in high school and was a little nervous walking into a school after so many years but I did, and it was fantastic!! Stoked 

Sept 24: More of the same. Sent FB friend invite to big name coach I really want to connect with Hadn’t done it so far thinking she’d be too “busy” or “important” to befriend me. Loving ridding myself of that misconception!

Sept 23: Sent warm feelers to connect with a well known million dollar business coach who I wasn’t sure would respond (and who kinda did but sorta didn’t), but it felt good anyways to think of myself as someone a super successful entrepreneur would love to know. Upping my confidence and big league-ishness baby!

Sept 22: For some reason, I was fearful of completing a written exam for a 6 month certification program I just finished.

I had 2 weeks to do it and today was the last day, yet every time I sat down to do it, I couldn’t. Finally took myself off to the beach and did it. I realised I’d been resisting it cos it signified an “ending” of a part of my life and I was reluctant to let go. HA!

I’ve been looking forward to this day and now that it’s here, I don’t want to step out of the cocoon. Typical  glad I’m doing these 100 days! Comfort zone, begone!