From Victim to Victor – A Personal Note

December 9, 2009 by Tia · 20 Comments
Filed under: Forgiveness, Life, courage 

Or, Don’t Rain on my Parade.When it rains, dance

I’ve been back in Queenstown, this town I called home for 4 years, for an entire day and still can’t believe I’m here.

It feels like a surreal dream, one that I haven’t quite woken into.

Walking down the town centre and running into people I know, going to the grocery store and running into more..

Jetlagged and tired, in a familiar yet different surrounding. To find a Queenstown Summer turned into a Vancouver Winter (sorta, but I’m exaggerating a little bit – it’s raining but it’s not that cold).

This is a town that saw some of my worst times.

I won’t go into details but suffice to say it rubbed me raw in many ways and led to a lot of growth, learning and healing after being broken into a thousand pieces. When I left nearly 2 years ago, it was painful and hard.

So of course, I was a little nervous about being back here, even though the excitement was pretty rampant.

It almost feels like a pilgrimage of sorts, visiting my past, the memories of a Tia who doesn’t exist anymore except in the deep, dark corners of the not-so-distant-past.

I feel strangely vulnerable and exposed.

Which is why when something happened today that made me feel a little “helpless”, I realised how easy it used to be for me to slip into the ‘poor me, I have no choice’ victim role.

And how although much has changed since then, this is still a familiar emotion and feeling, one that my body recognises uncomfortably well.

Long story short, due to extreme tiredness, jetlag (still!) and unclear thinking, a little miscommunication resulted in me being ’stranded’ for 1.5 hours in the rain, waiting for a friend with whom I was to ride home, while she waited for me at the actual place we were to meet.

In that time, I lived a lifetime of feeling paralysed, stuck and unable to act.

I didn’t have the external tools I needed (cell fone to call my friend, car to drive home myself etc) but luckily, I DID have some internal tools.

Byron Katie’s work (which I’ve been leaning into a lot of late), closing my eyes and breathing into the knot in my stomach and the dizziness in my head, allowing myself to feel frustrated, and consciously choosing how I wanted to feel instead.

Each time the “I can’t believe this is happening to me” thoughts arose, I’d stop and ask myself “how is this making me feel and do I still want to feel this way”?

Sometimes the answer was yes, so I let myself wallow in feeling sorry for myself till the answer changed.

I wish I could say I did all that and it was fine.

Instead, I had to consciously keep changing my state at least 7-8 times in 1.5 hours before I managed to make it stick it out in the state of calm and “holy mother of God, what a lesson I just learned”.

The lesson being, if you’re gonna step into the past, make sure you take the present with you.

We all have an Achilles heel, a behaviour / thought / person/ circumstance that trips us up.

You know – they’re the ones that make you go “wow, I thought I was past that by now” or “I’ve been through this a 100 times, I really should know better” or “when will I ever learn” or something equivalent.

Where in your life do you find yourself stepping into the past and forgetting how far you’ve come in an instant?

If I were to share my thoughts on this (and I will), I’d say

  • Find yours, acknowledge them, really know them
  • Be aware of what triggers them
  • Have tools and strategies to manage the situations and feelings they thrive on
  • Don’t let them fool you into thinking you haven’t accomplished anything, this is just a reminder to show you that you have

So the next time those old triggers pop up, you can do your thing, smile to yourself and say “I’ve come a long way, baby”.

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As you chart new plans and desires for the coming year, I invite you to look back at the progress you’ve made thus far. What are you really proud of? Where do you still need to be more conscious in your actions? Where in your life have you gone from being a Victim to a Victor? Celebrate that!

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A Confession – Why I REALLY Took a Time Out..

October 24, 2009 by Tia · 22 Comments
Filed under: Conscious Creation, Forgiveness, Inspired Action, Passion, courage 

(I finished writing this post at 3am. Then, from 4am-5:30am, I rewrote it entirely. Here’s the unvarnished version cos you deserve the truth, not some hackneyed post glossing over the REAL stuff)

The Truth Will Set You FreeSo ya’ll know how I decided Tuesday evening to take a 2 day “Time-Out” from the Internet, phone, people, work, action, plans, ideas, commitments etc?

When I said “If you listen closely to your intuition and all the signs around you, you will learn to trust (as I am), that this can only be good“?

I said I wanted to practice self care and spend time doing whatever appealed to me in the moment, something I thought would be a cinch seeing as I’m so good at doing what feels good. Well, that was 80% true.

Uh… the other 20%?

I lied.

By omission.

You see, I left out the reason why I wanted to do it.

The real truth is that I took that time out because I was getting carried away with seeking validation from external factors and it was starting to wear me out. There, I said it.

Can you say OBSESSION?

(And no, I’m not channeling Calvin Klein)

I’m talking about the insidious little devil called comparison. It’s bad enough to compare myself with others way ahead of me in terms of years and experience, but to constantly compare myself with myself too?

This ship was getting harder to steer and I was losing my peace of mind (pieces too).

*Deep Breath*

(Btw, It’s already feeling good to fess up, although I was jittery at the start – make that Day 31 of 100 days!)

My obsession with “social proof”, blog stats, twitter followers, facebook fans, alexa & google page ranks, creating a powerful and engaged community, numerics and other non-blog related life desires that I dated with “must have & do” by such and such time, was getting out of hand.

Those of you who blog know what I’m talking about, right? We can get so addicted to external manifestations of success that we lose sight of why we’re doing something. Sometimes, if #’s didn’t show an increase from the previous week or month, I’d feel like I wasn’t “doing enough”. And think of ways I could do better and be more authentic (recurring theme in my life).

The Irony!

Trying to be more authentic = one simply can’t be authentic. Because, as my favourite Yoda-ism goes: Do or Do Not, There Is No TRY.  You are either authentic or you’re not. Period.

Ouch. I guess once you start being authentic, it doesn’t mean you will automatically carry on being. It requires constant awareness and “work”. Could that be cos authenticity requires vulnerability?

And being vulnerable is scary for the best of us?

I’d wager a yes.

When this blog went from 20 million to 510,000 within 3 months of me launching it, I was OVER the moon! Then I went travelling in July and it’s since dropped to about 1.3 million.

I hated going from nothing to something and sliding back to a little less something again (wow, get a LOAD of me – I hated it, really!? Hate?! Do I smell a little .. attachment here ;) ?

We tend to overlook the progress we’ve made when we look at how far we still have to go.

I still want all that I do – to be the best in my field, super successful, happy, write great posts, work with amazing people, make a difference, get married, travel, grow roses, live my dream life..

Except now, I have more patience and compassion for myself. Like most of us, I’m the hardest on myself. Keeping up to my standards is exhausting.

Which brings us back to Tuesday. When I decided I had to make a stand for myself, against myself, to remind me of what’s really important. I.e.,

The passion and love I have for writing, self improvement, personal growth, coaching, having fun, connecting with people and living an inspired life.

(Which is why I started blogging in the first place. To share my experiences, inspire people AND learn from them. And attract a community of like minded peeps. And make great friends.. And..and..ok, ok)

Even during those 2 days, at 1st I tried to be ultra-productive as in: “I’d-better-do-some-good-introspective-work, figure-out-where-I-need-to-grow-and-learn-and-do-it, so-I-have-something-to-show for-this. So-that-when-I’ve-sorted-it-out, everything-will-just-come-to-me-easy-peasy-forever-n-ever”

(Oh my, I just can’t help laughing here! Even when I’m introspecting, I’m doing a number on myself!! That’s hilarious, right!!? Giggle! Snort! LOL!)

Day 1 was a bit of back and forth between wanting to be productive and just goofing off, till I took myself for a walk in the rain and ended up with fear-day #30.

Day 2 was a real laid back, watching movies and reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” kinda gig. That’s when it started to get good, real good.

So good that I’m going to share it with you. The edumacation I got when I decided to just be open to whatever showed up! Handpicked are Tolle’s simple and profound teachings that seemed to leap off the pages I was on …

  • The mind holds the unconscious belief that its resistance, (which you experience as negativity or unhappiness in some form), will somehow dissolve the undesirable condition.
  • But resistance leads to more of the same.
  • The way to attain peace? Don’t look for it. Nothing you seek is outside of you. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now.
  • When you completely accept the lack of what you seek, it gets transmuted into what you seek (this one really spoke to me – I reckon it’s where my intuition was leading me – ya THINK!?)
  • The outer situation of your life is like a lake’s surface – calm, windy, rough according to seasons. Deep down, the lake is always undisturbed.

Because the truth is, I’m further along on my path than I’d ever imagined, I’m rocking this joint called life, I’m truly happy and successful, have an awesome community of friends and readers, love what I do, know some of the most amazing people ever, sparkle with good vibe energy, have big plans and live a good, simple life.

As Stuart Smalley says:  I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me! *wink*

Time-Out gave me a chance to embrace my blessings, an opportunity to practice extreme self care, insights into my patterns, face my ego-based fears, become aware of the attachment to externals, and taught me to not equate performance with popularity.

It also gave me lots of chocolate cake. Yes sirree, life is GOOD. Now where shall I send the comparison monster..

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If you actually read all the way through, send me your deets and I’ll send you over some Nutella! Boy I had a lot to say thanks for reading :) I won’t ask you any questions this time, feel free to share whatever pops up. Maybe let intuition guide you. I love you!

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Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End!

July 18, 2009 by Tia · 6 Comments
Filed under: Conscious Creation, Forgiveness, Intention, Law of Attraction, Life 

Healing, Feeling, BelievingOkkkkk something strange and wonderful is going on! Have you noticed how the last month has been huge in terms of manifestations, realisations, movement and change? Got 3 words for you.

Healing

Feeling

Believing

Ever get to that place of absolute peace and non-attachment in your life? I can promise you it is a surreal, beautiful, sublime place to be! And once here, you will just want to stay and stay and stay…

2009 is a year of opportunities and deep spiritual changes – I feel it on a daily basis and the signs are getting louder, more insistent and clearer by the day. Many of you are feeling this way too, right?

HEALING: This is a powerful time for healing all past wounds, feeling them through and letting go. And believing in your ability to create the life you want. Attracting all that is in alignment with you. A time for powerful, QUICK manifestations.

If you’ve been in transition or feeling stuck, now is the time for you to help the process along. Start by purging and letting go of the old – anything from your past that is keeping you attached to it, that creates nostalgia that won’t let you move on. From thoughts to regrets to objects to locations to homes to people.. you get my drift..

FEELING: Physical objects have residual energy in them from when you were in a certain experience. And it’s only by letting them go that you can clear the energy around your current space and be fully present and IN it.

That’s what spring cleaning is all about hey? Clear that murked up energy, get some flow going. Show the Universe (and yourself) that you are not holding on anymore, that you are ready, willing and able to receive that which you want.

Keep the memories if you want, but let go of the physical representations. No baggage. Travel light!

After holding onto cards, letters and little gifts from old relationships, today was the day it all felt ready to be released. I took out the memorabilia, read and held ‘em, thanked the love that was in my life and let go.

Burned, cut up, gave away all that I was holding onto. Now I wish I could fly to India and bugger the trunk full of stuff (collected over 20 years) in my mom’s garage, LOL. Oh well, at least the space around ME is clear ;)

It’s freakin awesome to feel so light and free! I usually do this ritual with old clothes, papers etc every January 1st.

BELIEVING: Know that by doing this, you will have honoured the part this relationship/career/home/thing played in your life and be grateful for the experience. Goodie for you that you have no need to keep proof of it anymore. If anything, this will make you feel even more loving and gracious towards yourself (YAY, Self love!).

Be fully available and open to your present, and future. To the wonderful things you are manifesting and inviting into your life. Say “I Believe, I know and trust that I am getting exactly what I want” and BELIEVE it.

No one says it better than Canadian Legend Leonard Cohen (what a man!):
“Every New Beginning Comes From Some Other Beginning’s End”

So I say to you, yes you. Let go, today. Be brave. You are not ending a part of your life, you are opening up to the rest of it. Nothing that has happened is good or bad, the river ebbs and flows all day long, as do you. I’m off to find more stuff to get rid off :D

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So Popeye, what are you holding onto that is keeping you stuck in the past (it is, even if you don’t realise it)? What are you ready to let go of and TRUST that it will be replaced with something better? What are you REALLY ready to invite into your life? Thanks in advance for sharing your insights, I love reading them and learning from them!

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On Forgiveness and Letting Go of Anger and Hurt..

July 15, 2009 by Tia · 17 Comments
Filed under: Forgiveness, Intention, Life 

Forgiveness, A choice and a DecisionJust recently, I’ve had the amazing opportunity to review Kristin Robertson’s e-book “A Forgiveness Journal” wherein she talks about her journey from anger to forgiveness in the face of “betrayals and abandonment”.

And how forgiveness changed her life for the better, as it can yours.

I was particularly struck by “Forgiveness is like letting yourself out of a prison”.

Indeed, when you can’t forgive someone, guess who suffers? Often, the other person’s moved on, while days, months and sometime, even years later, you’re still carrying the burden.

Sound familiar at all? This was definitely true for me till a few years ago!

Another point she makes is that holding grudges can also make you physically sick.

I’m thinking back to one of my mentors and how she developed (and subsequently cured herself of) breast cancer TWICE in her life.

Each time, it was the result of anger and unexpressed feelings she harboured around the 2 main men in her life (death of her brother and the end of a major love relationship) and forgiveness / self healing played a big part in her recovery.

So WHY forgive and how can one get to the point of peace? The main points (and challenges) have been described early on:

  • Forgiveness is not an easy path to choose
  • You develop the ability to forgive at your own pace
  • Forgiveness is a decision and a process (you can CHOOSE to forgive – sense the freedom in that?)
  • The cost of not forgiving is compromised health, unhappiness, and an attachment to the past
  • The path to happiness is forgiveness (Boy, can I ever relate to this one! The hardest part for me has been letting go of my righteous anger in the past. And the subconscious desire to play victim.. )

This isn’t just another book on forgiveness; it’s a 7 step process using exercises and journaling  to help you work through this healing process.

1) Identify Your Feelings - What are you really feeling? Anger is the expression of other feelings like betrayal, abandonment, fear, frustration, resentment, guilt, anxiety, unworthiness etc that lie beneath. A sign that your basic needs like integrity, safety, security, love and acceptance are not being met. Acknowledge these feelings.

2) Talk it Out - Next, you need to talk about these feelings to help process them (there’s an exercise in the journal you can use to share your story). The best part? She advocates sharing your story no more than three times, after that it’s time to move on. Excellent advice borrowed from Native American traditions.

3) Change Your Viewpoint - Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. In some cases this may be extremely hard so a lot of patience and time may be required. Look at any part you may have played in the situation and be watchful of mind self-pity, anger, revenge, and victim thinking.

4) Gain Perspective - This step is especially helpful to those who need to forgive themselves for past actions that they regret. At this stage of the process, the heart chakra represents the transition from ego-based energy centers in the human body to spirit-based energy centers.

5) Let Go - You might be clinging to several reasons not to let go. For example, perhaps you are receiving sympathy from others when you talk about your pain or have tied your self-image and self-worth to being the victim in your grievance story. In other words, what are the payoffs keeping you stuck?

Reminds me of a story my dad told me about 2 monks who’d taken the vow of celibacy and were at a river bank when they saw a young woman struggling to cross.

Without a word, one of the monks lifted her in his arms and crossed the river, putting her down on the other side. The 2nd monk was silent for the next 5 miles and then couldn’t stop himself any longer.

“Why did you touch her?!”, he cried out. “We’re not supposed to look at or touch women!”. Said the 1st monk “My friend, I put her down 5 miles ago, you’re the one who is still carrying her in your mind..”

6) Take Action – The previous step was about clearing the energy around your hurt and anger. This next step is about deciding if any action needs to be taken – eg: a letter to be written, talk to be had. Whatever you feel is needed to truly let go and move on.

7) Bless the Other - Possibly the hardest of all. You may be thinking “I’m no Mother Teresa, I can forgive but I can’t wish them well”. And yet, you can. One day. If you choose.

Completing this step will give you the biggest gift you could get – freedom and peace of mind. The book ends with a healing prayer of peace and more exercises to help you process your feelings.  _________________________________________________________________________

What questions do you have around forgiveness? Kristin will be visiting the blog for the next couple of days to answer and share her insights / experiences. I’ve got a question from one of you for her: How can one get past being betrayed or abandoned especially if these are childhood wounds being triggered? Thank you!

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