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A Matter of Survival or Creating Dependency?
Filed under: Conscious Creation, Intention, Life, Passion, courage, love
Tony Robbins shared a quote on his facebook page today:
“You don’t marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without.” Anonymous.
And then he added “I’m grateful I found my Wife Sage!”
As a person who believes in the power of words and consciously creating reality, I was taken aback. A bit stunned, actually.
Yes, I fully get the being grateful part.
But this part here, this one where it says “marry the person you cannot live without”?
WOW. Really?
There are about 50 “likes” and a bunch of comments, almost all of them saying “this is so true”!
Seriously!? Did anyone actually stop and think about the words for a second?
(btw, this quote is anonymous and the post is NOT about Tony Robbins, it’s about looking closely at the language we use)
So I posted:
Eh .. not true. I LOVE the sentiment behind it but the fact is, you CAN live without that person – you just choose not to live without them. Which is what makes it so beautiful
Then someone said:
When you love someone so much that a single moment without them in your life is not an option then i guess it is not a matter of choice.…..it is about your survival as they are the air that you breathe (edited out)……you feel complete in the circle of life gifted by the Higher Being!
So I said:
Saying that you can’t survive without someone’s love… that’s the only part of what you said that I question. Cos there is always a choice. So I see this as a choice, to think and believe what we do individually. The rest? Simply beautiful, magical, amazing – you are blessed indeed to have such love!
And they said:
Out of experience , i can state that the whole world seems to halt without that one person, may be true love tends to have such an impact!!!!! (edited out) …i know what Tony means and the way he feels about Sage !
Which is when I decided to not say anything anymore.
Cos clearly this could go forever. I’m not negating the depth of anyone’s feelings, heck I’ve BEEN there, felt like that, esp in my teens and 20’s. Ok, even as recently as a couple of years ago.
And while it may seem that the world will come to a stop without this person, I can genuinely, with all the mended pieces of my broken and healed heart, say, not true.
Not true, not true, not true!
I am living proof! As are you, I’m sure. And all of us.
To say your survival depends on the presence of someone in your life, sounds less like love and more like need to me. We each CHOOSE what we believe.
Love by its very nature, nourishes, cherishes, gives life. You can ‘have’ love even without that special partner to spend the rest of your life with AND you can have it with them.
NB: (Unless you’re a baby – then you are 100% co-dependent and will not survive without a food provider – but you WILL survive without love. Maybe miserably and unhappily, but you will).
Till the day comes when you realise you ARE love.
Then, you’ll go beyond surviving, to thriving. Cliches notwithstanding.
Having experienced extremely co-dependent relationships where I really, truly felt like I couldn’t live without someone, I am now very conscious of the words I use.
Maybe that’s why I was goaded into writing this post (along with the fact it was Tony who passed it on.. being a master of words & NeuroLinguistic Programming, wonder if he thought about it at all?)
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What do YOU think? Am I over analyzing or would you have felt the same way? Why would someone choose to believe they don’t have a choice? I’ve got an idea but would love to hear YOUR insights, thanks for sharing!
ps: parts of the other person’s comments have been edited out for privacy reasons..
The UnPost.
Jeez, we’re 3 weeks into 2010!?
I’ve been missing at the blog. Got back a week ago but that’s no excuse.
Truth is, I’m struggling feeling uninspired to say anything.
Everything is the same and yet it’s not.
All the changes and wheels I set in motion last year are swirling around my ankles and reaching into my head like clouds bursting to rain.
I feel a restless edginess.
This is good! It means the path I’ve been on is nearing a destination and some doors are closing behind me as a result.
Others, they are opening.
And as it happens when doors open and close, they clang and make some noise which makes it hard to know exactly where you’re going.
Which is all fine cos as I said last week, when you don’t know what lies ahead, you just trust and get on with it.
I’ve already opened the door and stepped in.
Right now, I’m excited cos I know all sorts of wonderful things await and at the same time, I’m the caterpillar growing wings and leaving my old skin behind.
Which can be disconcerting.
I’m finding it a challenge to write about this process, perhaps cos I feel like I’ve already written and said everything I had to say about Inspired Action, Law of Attraction etc and now I’m thinking: what next?
Obviously I COULD say more about these topics, but the question is: Do I want to? I don’t know. I do know that there’s so much more that I have to share and do, I just don’t know what exactly.
Yet.
Which is why I’m working on it with my fabulous new coach Pam Slim!
One of the things she said to me was that I’ve been focusing on the WHAT so much that it could be what’s (ha! ha!) getting me stuck. (What as in: what do I want to say, what do I want to do?)
We got to thinking maybe that worked for me in the past but it’s not working now.
And cos my biggest values include freedom and connection, she suggested I look at the 2nd part, which relates to the WHO (The 1st part, freedom, is what being the boss of me has already brought me).
WHO!
Who do I want to work with, who do I like spending time with, who are “my people” aka my tribe. Who do I want on my bus along for the ride with me? Ahhhh!
How often do you get an idea and start running with the what and the how before figuring out the who?
For me, it’s been a loosely based idea – I resonate with smart, awake people who are interested in conscious creation, open and aware, growth oriented, fun, happy – YOU reading this, you are my person!
And if you are, then why am I waiting till I ‘have something to say’ instead of just telling you what’s going on in plainspeak? Cos you understand, you get it. And that’s all that matters.
Duh.
So rather than let another 2 weeks pass by before I appropriate my next newsletter into a blog post to cover up the fact I haven’t written anything in days, I’m just letting you know where I’m at and asking you to hang with me.
Since YOU are my people, I’m thinking something’s gotta be stirring for you too. So tell me, what’s going on? What’s happening with you / around you? What do you need right now? I’d like the next couple of weeks to be about giving voice to YOU.
So on that note, what would you like me to write about? What do you resonate with at this blog? What’s something you’d like me to address? Would YOU like to say something here? Sourcing you, so please chip in & thanks!
Your move.
(Just so you know, I’m not going anywhere, this is just the precursor to more of me, more of us. Thanks for being here). Yep, thatisall.
When You Don’t Know What Lies Ahead..
(*This is the ezine issue that went out last night – I wanted to share it with those of you who aren’t subscribed cos I feel there’s an important message here* To subscribe to the ezine, just enter your email address at the top right corner of this page.)
It was the last day of my trip and I made the 45 minute walk up to the Gondola on top of a hill, for some prime town views.
As I was enjoying the sights, I happened to look across into the distance and saw this particular view.
It isn’t the prettiest one but it WAS the most mesmerising and I’ll tell you why.
Do you see the path that starts at the bottom of the town in between some houses? The winding one that goes all the way to the top?
Well, if you were to stand at the bottom of that hill and look up, you would have NO idea where that path was going to lead you, or even what it looked like.
All you would see is the start and it might be enough to put you off because unless you saw signs somewhere, you wouldn’t know how long it would take to get there or if it even DID go somewhere.
What if you risked it and got lost? Or it started raining and you got soaked. Or if you ran out of food?
So some would just shake their head and walk around the lake instead cos then at least they’d see where it was taking them.
But some of you?
You’d think “Cool! The path looks like it’s been used before so I’m sure it’s safe and will get me SOMEWHERE. I trust that if there was a bear in the woods that there would be a sign somewhere but it looks pretty good to me.”
And off you’d go on an adventure!
You’d walk and walk and once you got to the top, you’d be rewarded with beautiful views, stunning scenery and perhaps an amazing sunset. And you’d be so very glad you took that chance.
What you decide to do, is how you’ll experience life in most cases.
Because you see, that path is pretty much like life. You can’t see what’s on the other end, all you can see is the road ahead of you, one step at a time. You’ll never know exactly what to expect no matter how well you plan. All you can do is be prepared, and get going.
And here’s the deal: from the other side, the path / your life looks clear as DAY!
Once you get there and look back, you’ll see how it winds to the right, then to the left, then it’s straight for a while, then a quick turn here and one there… it meanders through with a myriad experiences along the way. A few flowers here, some thorns there.
And if you never walked that path, you’d never see the flowers for fear of the thorns. You wouldn’t see that it was always going somewhere even when you didn’t think it was.
This was a pretty incredible lesson in trust and ‘hindsight’ that I got that day.
What if you took this to heart?
What if you trust that even though you don’t know where a particular action / path / decision will lead you, that it WILL lead somewhere? And that even if the road doesn’t seem clear and straight, it IS going exactly where you want to go?
I’ll tell you what it would give me – faith and trust in a divine plan.
Especially in those times when I’m not sure where I’m headed and wondering if I’m on the wrong path (can you relate to this?).
Imagine trusting, that in spite of our short sightedness, there is a bigger vision ahead and if all we did was to just show up and keep going, one day we’d know what it was all about. And till then? A plethora of experiences await to partner you on this journey!
I’ll leave you to think about this..
- Is there something you’ve been wanting but scared to do / ask for cos you couldn’t see what, where or how it would work out?
- Can you allow the knowledge that, no matter what it seems like, you ARE on the right track, help you take that step?
- What if everything really, truly was just as it was supposed to be – what would you do next?
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Would love to hear some of your experiences about when you took action without knowing what was going to happen, and how it all turned out. Or just anything you feel compelled to share around this topic – I know you’ve got something there so lets hear it. Thanks in advance for reading, commenting and being here!
From Victim to Victor – A Personal Note
Or, Don’t Rain on my Parade.
I’ve been back in Queenstown, this town I called home for 4 years, for an entire day and still can’t believe I’m here.
It feels like a surreal dream, one that I haven’t quite woken into.
Walking down the town centre and running into people I know, going to the grocery store and running into more..
Jetlagged and tired, in a familiar yet different surrounding. To find a Queenstown Summer turned into a Vancouver Winter (sorta, but I’m exaggerating a little bit – it’s raining but it’s not that cold).
This is a town that saw some of my worst times.
I won’t go into details but suffice to say it rubbed me raw in many ways and led to a lot of growth, learning and healing after being broken into a thousand pieces. When I left nearly 2 years ago, it was painful and hard.
So of course, I was a little nervous about being back here, even though the excitement was pretty rampant.
It almost feels like a pilgrimage of sorts, visiting my past, the memories of a Tia who doesn’t exist anymore except in the deep, dark corners of the not-so-distant-past.
I feel strangely vulnerable and exposed.
Which is why when something happened today that made me feel a little “helpless”, I realised how easy it used to be for me to slip into the ‘poor me, I have no choice’ victim role.
And how although much has changed since then, this is still a familiar emotion and feeling, one that my body recognises uncomfortably well.
Long story short, due to extreme tiredness, jetlag (still!) and unclear thinking, a little miscommunication resulted in me being ’stranded’ for 1.5 hours in the rain, waiting for a friend with whom I was to ride home, while she waited for me at the actual place we were to meet.
In that time, I lived a lifetime of feeling paralysed, stuck and unable to act.
I didn’t have the external tools I needed (cell fone to call my friend, car to drive home myself etc) but luckily, I DID have some internal tools.
Byron Katie’s work (which I’ve been leaning into a lot of late), closing my eyes and breathing into the knot in my stomach and the dizziness in my head, allowing myself to feel frustrated, and consciously choosing how I wanted to feel instead.
Each time the “I can’t believe this is happening to me” thoughts arose, I’d stop and ask myself “how is this making me feel and do I still want to feel this way”?
Sometimes the answer was yes, so I let myself wallow in feeling sorry for myself till the answer changed.
I wish I could say I did all that and it was fine.
Instead, I had to consciously keep changing my state at least 7-8 times in 1.5 hours before I managed to make it stick it out in the state of calm and “holy mother of God, what a lesson I just learned”.
The lesson being, if you’re gonna step into the past, make sure you take the present with you.
We all have an Achilles heel, a behaviour / thought / person/ circumstance that trips us up.
You know – they’re the ones that make you go “wow, I thought I was past that by now” or “I’ve been through this a 100 times, I really should know better” or “when will I ever learn” or something equivalent.
Where in your life do you find yourself stepping into the past and forgetting how far you’ve come in an instant?
If I were to share my thoughts on this (and I will), I’d say
- Find yours, acknowledge them, really know them
- Be aware of what triggers them
- Have tools and strategies to manage the situations and feelings they thrive on
- Don’t let them fool you into thinking you haven’t accomplished anything, this is just a reminder to show you that you have
So the next time those old triggers pop up, you can do your thing, smile to yourself and say “I’ve come a long way, baby”.
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As you chart new plans and desires for the coming year, I invite you to look back at the progress you’ve made thus far. What are you really proud of? Where do you still need to be more conscious in your actions? Where in your life have you gone from being a Victim to a Victor? Celebrate that!
On Gratitude & Facing Fears
Don’t have much to say today except that I did a few things recently that I’m well proud of..
- Taking the time to express real gratitude and appreciation for the blessings in my life
- Facing a couple of huge fears
- Asking a stranger to record me talking on video
- Actually speaking on camera
- Putting it out there for the world to see .. yikes!
I was going to do it way back in Feb 2009 for the Hurricane of Gratitude group started by Alex Karis and it’s no surprise it took me 9 months to get here (many big changes / events seem to happen in my life 9 months after the first sign) the birth of creativity and courage, lol!
When was the last time YOU were truly, really grateful and appreciative of how GREAT you have it? What are you really proud of here and now?
If it’s been a while, stop right now and think about all that’s awesome in your life, gives you pleasure, joy and happiness.
From your body to your spirit, nature, family, warm home, food to eat, winter sports, your favourite cookies, you’ve got a lot more going for you than you may realise.
Especially in the middle of a “tough break”, when you feel like everything’s going wrong and you’re overwhelmed, stop and breathe.. And think about the wonderful experiences you’ve had so far and all that you’ve accomplished.
Dream about the changes you want, the life you want to live. And as you do, be grateful for all that you have right now.
The simple act of gratitude /appreciation will bring more of that to you.
I’ve been on a smiling high ever since I did this video. Even if you don’t want to make your own video, go ahead and use the gratitude muscle today!
I’d love you to share what you’re grateful for and proud of in the comments below. And if you make a video, PLEASE come back and post a link!!
And while we’re on the topic of gratitude, I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to talk about about facing your fears, courage, happiness, discovering your passion, making FUN a part of daily life, taking Inspired Action and much, much more in this interview I did for the Spiritual Explorer show recently.
It was a right BLAST and we laugh and giggle a lot as we share some real life experiences of gutsy people following their dreams.
Would love to know what you think of it! Have a great weekend
A Confession – Why I REALLY Took a Time Out..
Filed under: Conscious Creation, Forgiveness, Inspired Action, Passion, courage
(I finished writing this post at 3am. Then, from 4am-5:30am, I rewrote it entirely. Here’s the unvarnished version cos you deserve the truth, not some hackneyed post glossing over the REAL stuff)
So ya’ll know how I decided Tuesday evening to take a 2 day “Time-Out” from the Internet, phone, people, work, action, plans, ideas, commitments etc?
When I said “If you listen closely to your intuition and all the signs around you, you will learn to trust (as I am), that this can only be good“?
I said I wanted to practice self care and spend time doing whatever appealed to me in the moment, something I thought would be a cinch seeing as I’m so good at doing what feels good. Well, that was 80% true.
Uh… the other 20%?
I lied.
By omission.
You see, I left out the reason why I wanted to do it.
The real truth is that I took that time out because I was getting carried away with seeking validation from external factors and it was starting to wear me out. There, I said it.
Can you say OBSESSION?
(And no, I’m not channeling Calvin Klein)
I’m talking about the insidious little devil called comparison. It’s bad enough to compare myself with others way ahead of me in terms of years and experience, but to constantly compare myself with myself too?
This ship was getting harder to steer and I was losing my peace of mind (pieces too).
*Deep Breath*
(Btw, It’s already feeling good to fess up, although I was jittery at the start – make that Day 31 of 100 days!)
My obsession with “social proof”, blog stats, twitter followers, facebook fans, alexa & google page ranks, creating a powerful and engaged community, numerics and other non-blog related life desires that I dated with “must have & do” by such and such time, was getting out of hand.
Those of you who blog know what I’m talking about, right? We can get so addicted to external manifestations of success that we lose sight of why we’re doing something. Sometimes, if #’s didn’t show an increase from the previous week or month, I’d feel like I wasn’t “doing enough”. And think of ways I could do better and be more authentic (recurring theme in my life).
The Irony!
Trying to be more authentic = one simply can’t be authentic. Because, as my favourite Yoda-ism goes: Do or Do Not, There Is No TRY. You are either authentic or you’re not. Period.
Ouch. I guess once you start being authentic, it doesn’t mean you will automatically carry on being. It requires constant awareness and “work”. Could that be cos authenticity requires vulnerability?
And being vulnerable is scary for the best of us?
I’d wager a yes.
When this blog went from 20 million to 510,000 within 3 months of me launching it, I was OVER the moon! Then I went travelling in July and it’s since dropped to about 1.3 million.
I hated going from nothing to something and sliding back to a little less something again (wow, get a LOAD of me – I hated it, really!? Hate?! Do I smell a little .. attachment here
?
We tend to overlook the progress we’ve made when we look at how far we still have to go.
I still want all that I do – to be the best in my field, super successful, happy, write great posts, work with amazing people, make a difference, get married, travel, grow roses, live my dream life..
Except now, I have more patience and compassion for myself. Like most of us, I’m the hardest on myself. Keeping up to my standards is exhausting.
Which brings us back to Tuesday. When I decided I had to make a stand for myself, against myself, to remind me of what’s really important. I.e.,
The passion and love I have for writing, self improvement, personal growth, coaching, having fun, connecting with people and living an inspired life.
(Which is why I started blogging in the first place. To share my experiences, inspire people AND learn from them. And attract a community of like minded peeps. And make great friends.. And..and..ok, ok)
Even during those 2 days, at 1st I tried to be ultra-productive as in: “I’d-better-do-some-good-introspective-work, figure-out-where-I-need-to-grow-and-learn-and-do-it, so-I-have-something-to-show for-this. So-that-when-I’ve-sorted-it-out, everything-will-just-come-to-me-easy-peasy-forever-n-ever”
(Oh my, I just can’t help laughing here! Even when I’m introspecting, I’m doing a number on myself!! That’s hilarious, right!!? Giggle! Snort! LOL!)
Day 1 was a bit of back and forth between wanting to be productive and just goofing off, till I took myself for a walk in the rain and ended up with fear-day #30.
Day 2 was a real laid back, watching movies and reading Eckhart Tolle’s “The Power of Now” kinda gig. That’s when it started to get good, real good.
So good that I’m going to share it with you. The edumacation I got when I decided to just be open to whatever showed up! Handpicked are Tolle’s simple and profound teachings that seemed to leap off the pages I was on …
- The mind holds the unconscious belief that its resistance, (which you experience as negativity or unhappiness in some form), will somehow dissolve the undesirable condition.
- But resistance leads to more of the same.
- The way to attain peace? Don’t look for it. Nothing you seek is outside of you. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now.
- When you completely accept the lack of what you seek, it gets transmuted into what you seek (this one really spoke to me – I reckon it’s where my intuition was leading me – ya THINK!?)
- The outer situation of your life is like a lake’s surface – calm, windy, rough according to seasons. Deep down, the lake is always undisturbed.
Because the truth is, I’m further along on my path than I’d ever imagined, I’m rocking this joint called life, I’m truly happy and successful, have an awesome community of friends and readers, love what I do, know some of the most amazing people ever, sparkle with good vibe energy, have big plans and live a good, simple life.
As Stuart Smalley says: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me! *wink*
Time-Out gave me a chance to embrace my blessings, an opportunity to practice extreme self care, insights into my patterns, face my ego-based fears, become aware of the attachment to externals, and taught me to not equate performance with popularity.
It also gave me lots of chocolate cake. Yes sirree, life is GOOD. Now where shall I send the comparison monster..
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If you actually read all the way through, send me your deets and I’ll send you over some Nutella! Boy I had a lot to say thanks for reading I won’t ask you any questions this time, feel free to share whatever pops up. Maybe let intuition guide you. I love you!
1..2..3…Time Out!
Spoiler Alert!
Have you seen Penelope?
It’s the story of a blue blooded girl who is born cursed – with the nose of a pig.
The only way to get rid of that curse is to find true love with “one of her own kind”. Which the family takes to mean a young man from the same strata of society.
Many suitors come and go as they realise no amount of money is worth marrying such an ugly, pig faced girl.
Poor little thing.
(She so desperately wants to be normal.)
Then one day, she runs away from home. Has a few adventures and comes back home to get married to a guy who wants that money. And soon comes to a Very Important Conclusion, one that changes her life and everything as she knows it.
Right after she runs away from her almost- wedding saying “I like myself the way I am,” when she stops trying to get rid of the curse (what you resist persists!) and declares that she loves herself pig snout and all (acknowledges her reality), something happens.
Her pig snout is magically replaced with a cute little nose.
A Miracle! How could this be! Penelope realises after all these years, that she had the power to change herself all along. She just had to love herself first ..
She didn’t know that though. Didn’t believe in herself. How could she, when no one else did? (well she could, but that’s a different story!)
Years spent waiting for her true love to come and rescue her, when all she needed was to love and rescue herself.
How many of us are like her, I wonder? Waiting for someone else (our partner, parents, kids, boss, friends) to make us happy, make it all better or make it all go away?
Truly, self love is the biggest love of all. I don’t mean that in a selfish, look out for yourself all the time kinda way, I mean it in the ”Love yourself so you can love others and let them love you” kinda way. Then again, I have a feeling you know exactly what I mean.
Fyi, A vital component of self love is knowing when to take time out. Consistently.
You are NOT selfish for cancelling all your appointments, backing out of commitments, taking yourself away for a day or two, saying NO or for wanting to take care of yourself in the best way for you.
Remember, we change what’s on the outside by changing what’s on the inside. And for that, sometimes, we all need a little time out.
It’s scary no doubt. With all the people who depend on you – who might think you are being irresponsible or selfish if you put yourself ahead of their needs. Ask yourself, don’t you deserve it too?
Well, I do. And I am.
At midnight tonight, I am turning off my computer and going offline till Friday. I may even stretch it to the weekend but 2 days is the minimum I am giving to myself.
Well Tia, you probably don’t have much going on then, you say?
Au contraire, this month has been the busiest, biggest, craziest month I have had in terms of commitments, new projects, writing, various challenges, assignments and what have you.
So much so that I am nervous about being out of touch on email, twitter, facebook, with clients, and the gazillion things I have to do!
But I know this one thing for sure – focusing on externals when the internal hasn’t caught up paves the path for overwhelment, failure to launch and giving up.
If you listen closely to your intuition and all the signs around you, you will learn to trust (as I am), that this can only be good. To share your gifts with the world, you first need to share them with yourself.
So while I honour myself with extreme self care and love, connect with nature and myself, walk, read, journal and surprise myself for the next 2 days, I invite you to do something for yourself too.
Today, do one thing purely for YOU.
You are the most important person in your and your people`s lives and to be your best, you simply must treat yourself as someone worthy and precious of that.
Go buy your favourite magazine, sip a latte with a friend, go for a drive, buy yourself flowers, grab a beer, take a nap.
Me, I’m outta here like a fat kid on cake, like a bear on honey, like a dress on prom night. Until the weekend, adios and much love to you guys and gals!
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Ps: What are some of YOUR favourite ways of looking after yourself and taking Time Out? Please share them with us so we can all learn from each other, thanks in advance and see you on the flip side. Really looking forward to reading your comments when I get back
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