In the 7 steps of forgiveness, the 1st step is all about feeling the emotions, which you are doing. So you are at stage 1 and here, the only important thing is for you to take care of yourself. Forget about all the other steps, you aren’t anywhere close to REAL forgiveness yet. Forgiveness can’t come to you when you are in this emotional state, and neither will worrying about that help.

It seems to me that you are hurting so badly right now that you are convincing yourself to try and forgive him in order to avoid losing him. This isn’t real forgiveness, it’s desperation and clinging onto him.

But Gloria, the one thing we cannot do is make other people’s minds up for them or make them change. The only way someone changes is if they want to change.

You say that you’ve been insecure for years in this 18 year old relationship – that is an indication that you’ve made him more important than you and lost a lot of self esteem and self respect as a result. Co-dependency is toxic in a relationship and from what you are describing I’m inclined to say you are better off on your own!

I don’t know if there was love or not and there’s nothing to say that he didn’t love you when he said he did. However, love doesn’t vanish overnight and from it seems you knew in your heart and just didn’t want to acknowledge it. I could be wrong, but that’s what I’m picking up on.

This may not be what you want to hear and can seem harsh since you’re still in so much pain, but hello – he cheats on you, tells you you’re mentally sick and you have to FORCE yourself to be happy around him. What part of this equals love? Love is not meant to be so painful.

You deserve better, Gloria!! Please take this as a time to let yourself fall apart and pick up the pieces when you are ready to start healing. You owe it to yourself to start loving yourself enough to do that.

I’m sorry for your pain and I hope this is the start of a new chapter in your life – one that empowers you, makes you want to live a happier life, has you going within yourself to seek peace and love, helps you see your strength and resilience and opens the door to an unknown but exciting future.

One day, if you treat yourself right, you will be SO glad this happened. I can’t wait to see that day with you. Thank you again for writing and please let me know how I can help. Do you have close friends or family you can talk to? It’s important for you to have support in this time so please do reach out to people around you and let them help you.

Much love and courage to you xo

I tried to letgo because I had been in lot of emotional pain, Before he left I spoke to him about the lady and I told him I love him. He convince me he will try to dissovle the relationship with the other woman. A month later after he left I went to visit him. I was in his car when this same lady phoned and he answered. After he finish his conversation I turned to him ask him who it was and he told me it was this lady. i said to him I love you honey.

He responded by saying “You do not love me” I felt so hurt like a knife stuck in my heart. I took time of my job, spent romantc night with him few hours before that call. it hurt. I force myself to be happy during my stay. Couple of days later he sneak around a corner talking on the phone and I heard him saying “I love you, and I know you love me too, We both love each other and there were some other things said I cannot include right now. I cried it was painful to hear him telling someone I know you love me when couple of days ago i said to him I love you and he said I do not.

I did not say anything to him because was afraid he will be annoyed thinking I listen to his conversation but the next day I tried to express my feelings with reflect to our 18yrs relationship and he hurt me again saying he was in a relaitonship duiring our relationship and had love that lady but would try to make me happy now.

Later when I returned to my state he call me every morning but I was going through emotional pain not letting him know how I was treated during my visit. I decided to talk to him that he hurt me during my stay. To my surprise he insulted me that I am mentally sick. I cried and for couple of days he did not phone me. I phone and beg him. later he phone and I told him I am not mentally sick but his negative actions is hurting me and affecting my health.

He did not allow me to point out the issues and I was crying He asked me to forgive me and would try to make me happy. But a day after he told me he is going to another state for business transaction and I later found out it was all lie. he change from talking to me daily to once a week, I decided to forgive but it was difficult to forget because we had not address my feelings.

I read you 7 Steps and I was on #2 He phoned and I spoke to him about my feelings and I feel he treat other girls special than me because of the disrespect during the phone call eventhough I was around. When I spoke to him about my feelings because I just want us to talk about it because we did not talk about it before. He go upset and told me he did not want the relationship anymore because I brought up the same issue that he had ask me to forgive him. i told him I had forgiven you but with your recent behavior changes I want to talk to you and want you to tell me why do you do some negative actions towards me I just want answer. I just want to put a closure to this negative feeling because you never gave me an answer,

I am so devastated right now he said he want me just for an ordinary freind and not a romantic partner anymore. I am confuse why because I thought I was doing the right thing doing your 7 steps. It makes me feel there was no love but I just want your opinion. I pleaded with him but his mind is made up. pls tell me what to do.

Thanks so much for posting this review of my book, A Forgiveness Journal!

I wanted to respond to your question about childhood wounds. These are hard memories to forgive because children’s minds and spirits are very impressionable, and children don’t have the reasoning ability to fully process what happens to them.

So you “hard-wire” those childhood interpretations into your brain and spirit. Yet, you can change your thinking about anything and free yourself from the prison of unforgiveness. My book is a journal that encourages you to write your deepest thoughts and feelings about the original incident so you can process, with your adult reasoning, what happened to you.

Following the process that Tia outlined in her post, you can attain that inner peace that is the hallmark of true forgiveness.

If you’d like to hear more about forgiveness, you may wish to register for an inspirational and complimentary telesummit starting on August 1, 2009 to commemorate International Forgiveness Day.

For this telesummit, I’ve interviewed seven amazing forgiveness experts. You’ll be inspired and enlightened – in the comfort of your own office or home! You can learn more about it at http://kristinrobertson.com/marketplace/telesummit2009/

Again, thanks to Tia for highlighting my book!

Now I’m curious – what heart-activated techniques do you use? Care to share? Just recently started meditating again and it’s amazing what 15 minutes of peace and mental quiet can do for my day.

Would love to hear about more resources. Thanks for commenting, Marianna!

The anger we hold on to only serves to create stress – the flight or fight response that releases a cascade of 1400 chemical changes. This is harmful to our emotional, mental and physical health.

In my own journey I’ve found that when I practise heart-activated techniques, the resentment dissipates and I gain a new perspective, thus enabling me to move on.

You speak about gifts…when you forgive, you forgift – others and yourself. This is liberating and allows you to put your energy into things that really matter.

Thanks for providing such a concise review, Tia.